i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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