I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
