Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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