Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
