I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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