I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
