Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
