i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
