he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize