So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
