So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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