How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
