So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
