it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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