So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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