Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
