I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize