Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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