also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
