why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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