So drunk, too bad you don't want this
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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