my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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