Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
