Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize