what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
