WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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