Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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