Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
