she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
