god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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