i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize