You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
