I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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