Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
