Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
