Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she peed on how many people?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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