dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
