Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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