Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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