in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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