I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
