I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
