I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize