This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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