When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
