Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
