we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
