I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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