im about as happy as oj after his trial
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
