Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
