Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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