My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
