Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you had me at cake vodka
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize