you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
