its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
