mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize