new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
