Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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