you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The struggles of a small town man whore
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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